On The Slab

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Friday, November 17, 2006

I’m not quite sure where I am, who I am, and whether or not I care either way.

So, there ya go!



Thats all a large part of me wants to say, but, if venting is what this is all about, ill ignore it a bit for now.

To say this month has been busy is an understatement in the extreme.

To begin with, I spent a week in hospital, wired into a wall with a “pouch” containing a computer (not the fun kind), strapped to my chest 24/7.
I was on a leash of brightly colored wires glued into my hair running into a box on a wall. While doctors, nurses and others willed me to have seizures so they could gather their information that I was told would “help” me.

I suppose maybe I expected too much…..
I told myself, “if I can stay in the entire week without discharging myself, let the seizures happen and go through every damn test they want to do, I’ll feel so much better,…birds will sing, squirrels will take acorns from my hand and life will be just Disney!

Guess what, it aint, theres a surprise.

I stayed like that, in that bed, for seven days.
What did I feel?
I dont completely know if Im honest……
I dont remember most of it.

Its been one friggin week, and most of an event as big as that has already gone.

Its hard to be concerned or excited about somthing you know you wont remember next week.
So why bother?

So, for now at least, Ill take my pleasures from the moments thank you very much.
The moments like playing the PS2 I got for my birthday, seeing the smile in my guys eyes as he gave it to me. The smile on Karens face as she tells me about her latest crush. The smile in Elaines voice as she sings happy birthday to me on the phone and tells me about liams latest exploits. The unwilling smile in my mothers voice when she tells me about how her computer was infected with a virus that popped up porn ad’s in her office. The smile on my dads face as he tells a joke he knows we will all cringe at.

And I’ll try to remember all those smiles….. like I always do but always fail to.

But oh, Ill remember all those debts I have hanging over my head like blades just waiting to fall. Ill remember the bad dreams. Ill remember the needles. Ill remember having to have my head shaved to get rid of the painfull glue. Ill remember the strobes. Ill remember the kenny rogers “Hits of country music” ad that was on tv as I flew headlong into my last seizure. Ill remember tasting the blood in my mouth as I tried blindly to let the man I love know that his man needs him, yet again. Ill remember seeing how concerned he was as the ambulance lady tried to make sense of my mumblings. Ill remember that almost every day will begin with being called by some utility company I owe, or reminders that I need to sort one thing or another out, or talk to such and such about whatever, or get onto somone about somthing and why am I leaving it so late, I must not really need it.
Its simple. I cant. I cant get my mind and body to do the simple things that I know I should be doing.
Those things my sodding brain, such as it is, has no problem remembering.

You may be thinking “give it time”…… nope. Time has no real bearing on a life that is essentially static. Except as a constant reminder that you aint moving either way.
So, any of you who know me and are reading this, be very careful asking me “how are you” …Im not sure I have the strenght anymore to smile and lie. But I’ll try and remember to. And no matter who you are, you will probably hear “I’m fine”.

posted by Barry at 3:52 am  


  1. dear barry, though we haven’t met, i follow your adventures on your blog here. one day perhaps michael and i will make it to ireland and we can join you and noah for dinner and a pint.

    i’m glad you’re back out of hospital. i’m sorry you went through that. it sounds like it was a true ordeal.

    whether you’re feeling fine, or not so fine, it is never necessary to lie. just smile and think of all these people in your life and remember: you are very, VERY loved.

    welcome back!

    Comment by lorna — November 19, 2006 @ 8:24 am

  2. Barry, It’s pretty much impossible for me to imagine how things must feel to you. But I’m glad one of my dearest friends is there by your side. He’s a good guy - let him watch over you.

    Comment by Paul — November 20, 2006 @ 11:09 pm

  3. Barry try to hang on in there Dude! Big zen hugs!!!

    Comment by Marcus — November 27, 2006 @ 8:43 pm

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