On The Slab

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Time Vs. Tide…

I can understand that its impossible for anyone else to understand 100% what somone else is going through at any given moment.
Somone living with somone who is going through somthing see’s a lot more and therefore understands a lot more, as it is in their face on a daily basis. And whether or not you are happy about that, you have little choice in the matter.

However, others -no matter how close they are to a person, have no choice but to make assumptions based on what they are being told.
Often, its very difficult for somone to tell others, no matter how close, who dont actually reside with you, every detail of how you feel.
The in’s and outs of why you cannot answer the phone today, the bits an peices of pain that when added together stop you from having a “good day”. The reasons you “just can’t do that today”.
Often because you don’t want to upset or worry them. Even if it means you are taking on an extra burden in keeping some things to yourself, thats fine. When you can.
Human beings have a funny quirk that runs through us all, while we have somone, the image, the personality of that person that we each see as being current, is normally based upon our fondest memory of him / her, about when we were proudest, happiest and most thankfull for that person in our lives, the future, that we try not to imagine all that much.

And then that same future actually arrives for that person.

And as him the NOW him, you want them to think you are still the same person they have in their minds, the person who could afford to take chances and live on the edge, the person who had no problem doing things that anyone else could or would do, the person they love unconditionally and always will. But you dont want to show your failings (who would?), you dont want to show the things that most people would find hard to understand, whether out of pride or just simple embarrassment.

The problem arises I suppose, when the things you have kept back, become things that you now can no longer hide, and have an effect on their idea of who you are, Im not talking about the way you are inside, Im talking about your new limits, the NOW you, and you must try to understand how difficult it is for them to adjust to that after a lifetime of somthing else, I suppose.
Yes, its part of the ageing process, but, I do think its different for a non-physically disabled person, a person with a disability,  who’s life has been spent celebrating their abilities and trying hard to ignore what the person cannot do. When the cannot-do’’s become more obvious, or change, as they normally would with circumstance, I suppose it is difficult to understand for somone who has been looking-in for a long time.
A difficult balance to strike in any situation I know, but I can’t help wondering, how to make it balance properly, or indeed, if it ever can.

posted by Barry at 5:05 am  


  1. Hi Baz,
    I think that there are two types of families , there is the family with a disabled child and all they can see are the problems, the restrictions and there are the families who try their hardest not to see the disability maybe try a little to hard but i think that it is because, i personaly dont want to think about all that your going through because it hurts me and makes me feel guilty that out of three children i was the one who as everyone tells me ” got away with it and was ever so lucky”,
    I know that your not well and i know that karen is not well and i want to help you both but it kills me that i cant and i know that you feel as a non disabled person maybe i dont understand but i think i might understand and feel it more that you or karen will ever know.
    I love you very much, i could not have wished for a better bro and i dont ever want you to feel that i dont care honey cause i really really do, i just find it hard sometimes to take on that your not wellxxxxxxxxxx

    Comment by elaine — July 18, 2006 @ 10:49 pm

  2. Oh hon, I know, I wouldnt ever ever doubt that!
    I LOVE the chats we have these days, and god, Liam came from you, if nothing else you HAVE NO CHOICE but to admit that somone so amazing had to pick it up from his mother! :0)
    And sis, Im not so sure you *were* “the lucky one who got away with it”, to be honest I think it has probably been harder to be you a lot of the time. And by the way, everytime I hear from you or see you, it “helps” me more than anything else can! :0)

    Your Bro


    Comment by Barry — July 19, 2006 @ 3:35 am

  3. Barry, yes, it’s nearly impossible for some of us to understand how you feel sometimes. However, that does not mean we can’t empathize, we can’t wish you all the best in the world, or hope that things will get better for you soon. One thing I am sure about is that you have a great guy with you, a true treasure, and weathering bad days together is still much better than having to weather it alone.

    Take care, my friend!

    Comment by Paul — July 20, 2006 @ 12:20 am

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