On The Slab

Finding My Feet - WWW.SEATLIFE.COM (The new address for this blog!)

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


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tYPO & nOAH

posted by Barry at 8:46 pm  

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Due to the huge amount of spam Iv been getting, when you comment you must include an email address (make one up if you like) and it will ask you to do a simple sum like 10+3= ? just to prove you are a real person and not a spam-bot. Sorry, but tis necessary so I dont have to delete 100 ads for viagra every day! -B


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posted by Barry at 10:39 am  

Friday, November 17, 2006

I’m not quite sure where I am, who I am, and whether or not I care either way.


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So, there ya go!

B

====================

Thats all a large part of me wants to say, but, if venting is what this is all about, ill ignore it a bit for now.

To say this month has been busy is an understatement in the extreme.

To begin with, I spent a week in hospital, wired into a wall with a “pouch” containing a computer (not the fun kind), strapped to my chest 24/7.
I was on a leash of brightly colored wires glued into my hair running into a box on a wall. While doctors, nurses and others willed me to have seizures so they could gather their information that I was told would “help” me.

I suppose maybe I expected too much…..
I told myself, “if I can stay in the entire week without discharging myself, let the seizures happen and go through every damn test they want to do, I’ll feel so much better,…birds will sing, squirrels will take acorns from my hand and life will be just Disney!

Guess what, it aint, theres a surprise.

I stayed like that, in that bed, for seven days.
What did I feel?
I dont completely know if Im honest……
I dont remember most of it.

Its been one friggin week, and most of an event as big as that has already gone.

Its hard to be concerned or excited about somthing you know you wont remember next week.
So why bother?

So, for now at least, Ill take my pleasures from the moments thank you very much.
The moments like playing the PS2 I got for my birthday, seeing the smile in my guys eyes as he gave it to me. The smile on Karens face as she tells me about her latest crush. The smile in Elaines voice as she sings happy birthday to me on the phone and tells me about liams latest exploits. The unwilling smile in my mothers voice when she tells me about how her computer was infected with a virus that popped up porn ad’s in her office. The smile on my dads face as he tells a joke he knows we will all cringe at.

And I’ll try to remember all those smiles….. like I always do but always fail to.

But oh, Ill remember all those debts I have hanging over my head like blades just waiting to fall. Ill remember the bad dreams. Ill remember the needles. Ill remember having to have my head shaved to get rid of the painfull glue. Ill remember the strobes. Ill remember the kenny rogers “Hits of country music” ad that was on tv as I flew headlong into my last seizure. Ill remember tasting the blood in my mouth as I tried blindly to let the man I love know that his man needs him, yet again. Ill remember seeing how concerned he was as the ambulance lady tried to make sense of my mumblings. Ill remember that almost every day will begin with being called by some utility company I owe, or reminders that I need to sort one thing or another out, or talk to such and such about whatever, or get onto somone about somthing and why am I leaving it so late, I must not really need it.
Its simple. I cant. I cant get my mind and body to do the simple things that I know I should be doing.
Those things my sodding brain, such as it is, has no problem remembering.

You may be thinking “give it time”…… nope. Time has no real bearing on a life that is essentially static. Except as a constant reminder that you aint moving either way.
So, any of you who know me and are reading this, be very careful asking me “how are you” …Im not sure I have the strenght anymore to smile and lie. But I’ll try and remember to. And no matter who you are, you will probably hear “I’m fine”.
B

posted by Barry at 3:52 am  

Monday, November 6, 2006

Home is where there are no needles and wires.


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Well, as you may have guessed, Im home.
(Still a long way to go though, and i’m back in on the 14th for more testings).

It IS great to be home I must say, being in hospital makes you realise how lucky you truly are, and how much home means to you.
I think it was actually harder on Noah than on me (tho’ he wont admit that), but he got through it amazingly well and gawds, when I got home, the house was *spotless*.
The little fecker surprised me with an amazingly clean house! When he should have been resting!
I dont think this place has been so clean and tidy since I moved in here last year.

Typo, went ever so slightly mad when I got home, getting her unstuck from me was a little tiring I must admit ;)

Yesterday, I had a relatively bad seizure, but, to help keep me sane I have convinced myself that it is down to the meds being changed and that the last week was not a futile excercise in pain.
Im not sure I have ever been as scared of a seizure as I was of yesterdays,…. for the beginning of it, I was (felt) completely “normal” but couldnt speak or move. Thats new for me.
Noah called an ambulance as he was worried about how bad this one seemed, but after I regained consciousness we decided not to go into the ER as the last time I went in I was left on a trolley in a corridor for an entire day and night.
Besides, another night in hospital and I’d lose whats left of my mind, that can wait a week or two at least!

Another one again earlier this morning. Luckilly I was in bed and it was a bit less scary as I actually thought I was asleep. (Tis hard to explain how exactly these things feel tbh).

Right now I have a thumpin headache and my jaw feels like I’ve gone 10 rounds with tyson, so Im leaving it at that.
Thanks to all for all the best-wishes while Ive been away, means a lot.

B

posted by Barry at 10:47 pm  

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