On The Slab

Finding My Feet - WWW.SEATLIFE.COM (The new address for this blog!)

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

There is time enough to be alone later…….more than enough….


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When I have a seizure, (I have photosensitive epilepsy), it feels like,… a massive electric shock that shuts my brain and body down for usually 6 or 7 hours while Im usually unconscious.

When I wake, those 6 or 7 hours later, it feels like somone has used my entire body, every single centimeter of it, as a punching bag.
Its an exhaustion thats impossible to explain really. Its like LITERALLY being so tired that moving a finger registers as exhausting.

Then, after an hour or so, that feeling finally begins to wear off.

It screws up my sleep-times for a few days, and I end up awake all night and asleep all day, but finally, when it settles down, I get a sense of relief that “ok, now, it might be another month before I have to go through that again! PHEW!”

I try not to think of how dangerous these grand-mal (tonic-clonic is the new term I believe), seizures actually are. But a part of me knows that Im very lucky that I have woken up after each one. Mostly without injury save for a few black eyes, cuts, nose poundings and cut tongues.
The drugs are working in the sense that Im not having one *every* day, but they do seem frequent enough for it to be very problematic to living a day to day life in any kinda normal way.

They stop me doing things, for myself, for others, for our life, and that, is the truly disabling part. They mean I let people down, I miss out on important things, I dont do the things I should when I was sposed to do them, and a million other things…

If I had to, I would be willing to have them, if I could schedule them.
Every time I have one, it means that that month is going to be a mess of forgetting, frustrating tired anxiety for me. As I try and try to not let it make me stay in bed for the month in absolute fear and terror of having another.

But, I’m lucky enough that I have people around me who care enough not to let me be that selfish. And thats what it would be to me, selfishness.
I live this life, with these people, for however long Im around thats whats important, being with the people I love….. “with“, it means alongside, if I dont live alongside my friends & familly, then Im hardly living with them imho.

So I have to keep fighting the fear of the next seizure I suppose, no matter how exhausting it is to do so.
The worst part of my seizures, isnt having the seizure, or the cuts, bruises, bangs, exhaustion, pain, etc…..

The worst part, is waiting for the next and remembering that yes, it is gonna come, whether I like it or not.

But until then, I want nothing more, than to be “with“,…. there is time enough to be without in the next life.
I want to make the ab-sol-ute most of every second I am here and I am conscious. I have to, because, if I dont, then why bother.

If I’m alone, whether its just sleeping weird hours, not keeping the same hours as every other normal person.
Or indeed, cowering under the duvet worrying about how long it will be before the next seizure.

It makes no difference, that is wasted precious time I could have spent being with the people I love.

My general health alone takes away enough of the time I want to spend with those I love as it is. So every second I can grab being with anyone I love, I must. And being here, going to bed at 7am, is me being selfish.

How ridiculous, probably incoherant, and stupid does that sound?

posted by Barry at 6:32 am  

Saturday, May 27, 2006

They find us…….


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Junior

I remember, it must be at least 13 years ago, coming home one day, with a little puppy in the inside pocket of my jacket.
We named her Junior, as she was almost a miniature version of the wicklow collie we already had. (Gaza)

Junior was a pretty amazing dog, from the time she was a pup, she had *old* eyes, and always behaved as if she knew she was 100% loved and safe.
We never had to toilet-train her, she did that herself, I cannot remember her ever even making a single mistake in that regard.

She was the kind of dog that when she was with you it felt like you were with a good friend, the kind of friend who just knows what you’re thinking without you having to say a word.

My sister Karen was especially close to her, they were very close friends and Junior always wanted to make sure Karen was ok. She took that job seriously and always had one eye on karen before anyone else.

This morning, Junior died.
It truly feels like a huge part of my life is gone.

But Karen, Karen its hit more than any other one of us can claim.
She hides it well, but she cannot hide a single thing from me, so with me, she knows better than to try (I hope).

The crying will pass and the healing will begin soon.

Junior, will always be in our hearts, a part of all of our lives, and a blessing we had for so many years.

Junior, blessed be, and rest in peace my friend.

b

posted by Barry at 3:59 am  

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Pills & ills


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As I write this, I feel like my heads being sat on by an elephant, so Im keeping this short’n’sweet.

[/edits fever induced waffle] 

And thats it.

b

posted by Barry at 3:22 am  

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Glancing at lunacy…..


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Another night of Whoopi……

After my jaws stopped aching from laughter, and I returned to normal breathing, I realised somthing.

When I was a kid, I remember seeing whoopi doing her sketch about a person with a disability realising that a lot of the world, despite what she had made herself believe, really didnt give a as big a damn about her disability as she told herself they did.

It reminded me again (an I needed to be reminded, I tend to forget the big stuff and stress about the small stuff)….. reminded me again, that my own insecurities about my looks / intelligence / capabilities, etc,….. the stuff that brings me down somtimes,…… mean more to me than to any of those people who I worry would see me differently.

Damnit, thats a LOT of me’s” in that sentence,…. wow,…. I need to remember to stop oppressing myself again!!! ;)

Thanks for reminding me Ms. Goldberg ;)

posted by Barry at 8:46 am  

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Sisters are doing it for themselves………


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Sisters, I have two of them.

Elaine (mother of my first nephew Liam :) ), and Karen (she to whom Prada, D&G, etc. are considered what “you wear when going to the zoo or grocery shopping”) ;)

Both of them are younger than me, and there have, throughout our lives- been times when I would have quite happilly given either or both of them to a passing circus.

BUT….

I would be lying if I said I didnt love them, both of ‘em.
They both, have many times, been what “keeps me going”, more times than either of them know or ever realised I suspect.

Growing up, I set a lot of “bad examples” for them, but When I went out into the big wide world myself, and moved out of the familly home, and into my own house, alone,…..knowing I was their “big brother” helped me by reminding me that if I did it, they would know they could too. I saw it as setting the best example I could
I made sure I did it.
As always I made a lot of mistakes, but thats ok, thats all part of the process. Ultimately, I’m happy, I’m (getting slowly) healthy, I’ve gotten to a place where I finally feel 1000% comfortable and somwhere along the way, I realised they had grown up too.

Now, after all the normal childhood rows and pranks, I have two sisters whom I can truly say, are also my friends :)

b

posted by Barry at 6:57 am  

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Sleep? Who needs it……


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  1. Yet another (almost) 5am post……

I dunno why I cant sleep tonight….. I’ve been awake since 11am, ive had a long day,…….if I went in an lay down I know I would sleep…………why cant I bring myself to go do it?

I think maybe its because this last week, i’ve so not been sleeping well, its been a mixture of de-hydration, nightmares, and australian cop-shows………… not really a healthy mix I spose.
Well, I’m rambling, I think Ill just go surf till I canna surf no more!

b

posted by Barry at 4:50 am  

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Yes, I have ads now……….


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Well, Ive given this place a bit of a makeover. Bit more in keeping with the current season.

And yes, I have added ads.

Now, normally I’m not a big fan of ads, but this new _google_ thing has me wondering, it actually dosent seem too invading. (what do you think?).

I want to see what all the damn fuss is about, so I’ve added these to the sidebar.

They dont look *too* icky I think.

They are all on the right hand side, which was wasted space anyway I figured.

So by all means, feel free to click them and lets see if I *really* make money or if its just a big scam ;)
(Also feel free to use the _google_ search thingy, see how *it* works ;) )
B

posted by Barry at 5:45 am  

Friday, May 12, 2006


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Its kinda strange to me still, even now,…

How, via this thing we call the internet. this big jumble of ether and electronics,… how we manage to come across certain people, who we just somhow *know* are wonderful people.
I’m not talking about somone you just come across and think “that person sounds nice”………I’m talking about somone you just seem to find in your life and you just “know” that this person IS, not just nice, but genuine with it.

Its rare, but it does happen, and when it does, its a nice feeling. :)

H a p p y B i r t h d a y P a u l !

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

posted by Barry at 2:29 am  

Thursday, May 11, 2006

ONE YEAR OLD!!……………..


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Sheesh it dose’nt seem like a year….. in a lot of ways it feels like last week and in some ways, a lifetime ago.

Today, our nephew Liam turns ONE YEAR OLD!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Hes walking and almost talking and hes one year old! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I have to keep reminding myself that hes ONE YEAR OLD!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I have a nephew and hes ONE YEAR OLD!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Oh, and did I mention…. hes ONE YEAR OLD! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I love being an uncle!
Especially to such a wonderful, amazing child :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y L I A M!!!!

:)  :) :) :) :) :) :)

posted by Barry at 2:47 am  

Monday, May 8, 2006

Exploration explosion…….


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Last night we embarked upon a journey.

A journey of exploration, discovery and disgust.

We decided to spring-clean the kitchen! :)
(It really did look like a bomb-site).
Its amazing the difference between working in a clean area (WE HAVE SURFACES!!), and one drowning in chaos.
This time, I’m gonna keep on top of it, never is it gonna be a jungle of newspapers, crumbs, general “bits” again.

Tonight, we start on the bedroom, joy! ;) :) :)

Wish us luck, we are gonna need it!

[me] Gets elephant-gun, explorers hat and jacket, and bush-slasher machette [/me] ;)

b

posted by Barry at 11:01 pm  

Friday, May 5, 2006

Too Tired for Whoopi!……..


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Welll, its earlier tonight than last night ;)

Today, we went shopping,………. when we got there, we didnt know where to go……

Tonight we were going to have a night of snax and movies, but not shopping was quite the tiring experience :)

Tonight, Im caught in a surfing-loop, stopped here mid-way thru……..

Best be off, rubbish news articles to read & boards to fall asleep and grow weary of the world to see……  :P ;)

posted by Barry at 2:47 am  

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Burning the midnight oil………


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The thing is, when you find what you’re looking for, its more often than not, very different to the image you had in your imagination or memory.

Tonight, I’m sitting here and its 5am.
By now I know, I should be sound asleep in a warm comfortable bed.
But I’m not.
I’m sitting here at my computer typing this and watching one of my favourite comedy shows of all time. (Only Fools & Horses).

There was a time when I wished I could sit up till 5am laughing and content, and not having to worry or stress out about a thing,……till now, it never came.
Now it has, boy is it different to what I imagined it would be.
Yes I’m happy (VERY happy in fact), yes I’m content (again, very much so), but am I stressed?
I have to say, Im not stressed in any way that I would have defined “stress” back then, but yep, I am rather stressed.

What has me “stressed”?
The fact that I’m sitting here at 5am happy has me stressed.
The fact that I have more debt haning over my head waiting to drop, than some small countries has me stressed.
The fact that I have so much to get done and not hugely flexible deadlines to do it all in, has me stressed.
The fact that I ache has me stressed.
The fact that I ran outa stuff due to my atrocious memory has me stressed.

etc…etc…etc.. ad-nauseum.

But, you wanna know what has me more stressed-out than anything above?

The fact that I know a man cannot survive on pot-noodles alone when hes not alone.

But its the only thing I can say Im more than happy to be stressed about! ;) :)

(PS: Can also get here by using www.seatlife.com now too, thnx to my wonderful guy :) )

posted by Barry at 5:25 am  

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